Talking Pandas
by KokoLolo
Summary: After watching Kung Fu Panda, America makes it his life-long goal to own a talking panda. But where can he get one? China, of course!


**I do NOT own Hetalia, Kung Fu Panda nor Panda Express!**

When the popular Dreamworks movie, _Kung Fu Panda 2_, had hit the theaters, America had decided to watch the first movie. He had meant to have watched the first movie years ago, back when it had premiered, but life events had gotten in the way thus he had no time whatsoever. That was, until now.

America popped the disc into the Blu-ray device then jumped onto the couch where his bowl of popcorn and remote control was waiting. As soon as his body weight hit the couch cushion, the popcorn scattered all over the place. The nation wiped enough popcorn away from one of the cushions so that he can sit down. He stretched his legs onto the coffee table in front of him, leaned back into the couch and enjoyed the movie.

The movie was full of Kung Fu and talking animals. It even had an epic villain that America immediately despised. After all, what kind of hero would he be if he cheered for the villain?

Throughout the movie until the credits, America was engrossed with each detail. One major detail being…

The panda, Po, can talk.

America's mind had been boggled by this piece of information. Sure, there are loads of movies with talking animals, but a panda? That's crossing the line.

America decided that, after watching a movie full of food, to go get lunch.

XxX

America slammed the car door with a 'Hi-ya!' He found it extremely necessary to act as much like Po as possible, because kung fu fighting, food-loving, talking pandas is the coolest shit out there. He marched up to the front door of the popular Chinese food-chain and walked inside.

It never had crossed America's mind before that Panda Express advertises with talking pandas.

So when he saw the picture of the two pandas, Eddie and Tom-Tom, arguing about Orange Chicken and Beijing Beef.

America had come to a conclusion.

He went up to the front counter and asked, "Where can I get one of those?" he pointed at the picture of Eddie and Tom-Tom.

The woman at the front counter seemed confused for a second. Her face brightened when she realized what he was talking about, "Oh! We sell both of those flavors here!"

"…What?" America blinked.

"I will get you a sample!" She hurried to get him a sample of the two meat flavors.

"I don't wanna sample pandas!" America shouted, eyes widened in horror. People sitting in the restaurant, glanced over to see what was happening. The woman returned with the samples, giving him a genuine smile. In America's eyes, the smile looked insane.

"Oh my God," America jumped back, "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO THEM?'

Baffled, the woman explained, "This is orange chicken, sir! And this is-"

"You…you monster!" America wailed, tears forming now.

"Sir- Are you-"

"You people disgust me," America dramatically said, looking away from the woman, "Tom-Tom and Eddie lived a full life of talking and arguing… and you killed them…"

With those last words, America slowly made his way to the exit of the restaurant. Then to prove a point, he announced, "I will never eat here ever again! Killing talking pandas are not cool, dude!"

XxX

After that life-changing event, America decided to turn to his 'homie', Japan. He just wanted a talking panda. He figured that Japan would know what to do.

"Yo Japan!"

"America-san?"

"Yeah! I have a problem, dude!"

"What is-"

"See, I want a talking panda, but apparently they're unwelcome in Panda Express and I have no idea where to look! I've already checked the Animal Shelter for one! So then I checked the zoo-" America lowered his voice to mock the zookeeper, "And apparently 'Pandas don't talk nor will they ever!' which they can talk, because I have proof and that shit...!"

"China-san has lots of pandas,"

"Whoa, seriously?"

"Yes."

"Okay, cool, I just call my good pal, China! Alrighty, I'll text ya! Okay, bye!"

XxX

America didn't actually call his 'good pal.' He decided that he was invited any time at all. The door to China's apartment was conventionally unlocked so America could just stroll inside without having to break down the door like the last time he visited.

"Chinaaa!" America called from the couch he had plopped down on. A loud 'Aiyah!' was heard from the other room before China raced to the main room, wok in hand. He would have almost knocked America out if he hadn't noticed who it was.

"America…?" China lowered his wok, frowning, "What the hell are you doing here, aru?"

"Well-"

"No… wait. How did you get inside?" China demanded from the nation, raising his wok again.

"Waaaait!" America lifted his hands to shield himself from the pan. When he didn't feel any pain upon himself, America deemed it safe to continue. Clearing his throat, America explained, "Uh, I want a panda…"

"What?"

"I want. A. Panda."

"You broke into my home for a panda, aru?" China was bewildered by the nation.

"Like you wouldn't do the same, China!" America smirked at the Chinese man.

"Okay, um… why do you want a panda, aru?" China asked, arching an eyebrow.

"So it can be my friend and talk to me and Tony!"

"Talk…to you?"

"Uh-huh! I've heard pandas can talk, make noodles and fight Kung Fu!"

"Where'd you hear that, aru?"

"Kung Fu Panda!"

"Alright, aru," China finally gave in, "I'll show you to my panda room…"

"Your what?"

"My panda room!"

"Dude, are you shitting me?"

"No! It's full of pandas, because pandas are very cute, aru!" China defended the pandas and himself, "Follow me,"

XxX

As China had promised, the room was full of pandas of all shapes and sizes. Large pandas, small pandas, fluffy pandas, furless pandas, baby pandas, adult pandas, but no talking pandas to America's dismay.

"Why don't any of these talk?" America crossed his arms, giving each of the pandas a hard stare, "Don't ya guys talk?"

"Da! I talk!" A panda chirped from its corner of the room.

America's ears perked up. "Who said that?"

"I did!"

America glanced over to where the panda sat and approached it, "You're a Russian panda?"

"I don't remember that panda, aru," China walked over by America's side, "It seems familiar, though,"

"Aw, that panda is really cute!" America grinned, eyes surveying the large creature, "But it's pretty big, seriously. I think it's bigger than me!"

It then clicked in China's mind, "America-"

"China, I want this panda! Even if it does speak in a Russian accent… which is kinda strange, but that's alright! No judging in the panda room!"

"America, aru," China nervously said, "That's not a panda…"

"Ha! Sure, it is! You're delusional!"

"No…I am not," China replied, slowly.

"If it isn't a talking panda, then what is it, huh?" America challenged China, rolling his eyes. He then added, sarcastically, "Russia?"

"Actually yes, aru,"

"How is that thing Russia?"

"Da! It's me Russia!" As if on cue, Russia took the top of the panda costume off to reveal his head.

America's jaw dropped in disbelief, eyes widened to the size of golf balls. To say that was unexpected is an understatement. America would never, in all of his life, think his rival would dress up as a panda.

"RUSSIA?" America gasped out, still shocked. He whirled himself around to face China, "China, what the hell is happening?"

"Russia stalks me in a panda suit, aru," China explained, nonchalantly.

"You know what…?" America started his way towards the door, "I don't want a talking panda!" America swiped one of the baby pandas before going to a full on sprint out the door.

"That explains why the door was unlocked, aru…" China narrowed his eyes at Russia.

XxX

America ended up naming his new baby panda Po after the hero in _Kung Fu Panda_. He had decided that after finding out that Russia poses as a panda to stalk China to never watch said panda movie again nor the sequels.

He had also come to conclusion that talking pandas are not the coolest shit there is.

Philly Cheese Steaks are. Fuck yeah!

But most of all, America learned to not trust any kind of animal that talked.

Especially if they have a Russian accent.

**A/N:**

**This wasn't meant to be offensive at all!**

**I'd like to thank my friend, velvee, for the suggestion/idea! It was really fun to write!**

**Thank you for reading!**

**Review if you have the time!**


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